Having several options in life is undeniably a perk we are blessed with. The option of who your friends are, the option of where you choose to work, and even the option of where you decide to call home. You get the option of what to do with your free time, and the ultimate option of how you decide to live your life. These options are based on the free will that we all have, and are all important aspects of who we become. Different options impact the choices we end up making. But what happens when you find yourself as one of the options in someone else’s life? What do you do if your constantly just treated as one of many choices? Do you stay and wait it out? Hoping and praying that you’ll eventually be chosen? Or do you turn around and hit the ground running?
If there was one word that sums up my life, it’s striving. Striving for love. Striving for perfection. Striving to just be wanted. I constantly was striving for that perfect relationship. I wanted to find someone to make me happy so incredibly bad that I was forcing certain people into my life that were never meant to be there. I was struggling to cram pieces of a puzzle together that were never designed to fit and would then end up complaining when I found out my puzzle was a disaster. I clung to guys that were not right for me, all in hopes that one day they might be, if I just waited long enough. I put myself through some dark and rough situation-ships all because I thought I was no one without someone.
I look back to the relationships I was trying to force in the past few years and in all honesty, it makes me cringe. If only I would have listened to my friends! I am not saying that it’s all the guys fault, it takes two to tango after all. But all I see is a broken and desperate girl who was clinging to the hope that a broken situation-ship will miraculously turn into a blooming romance. The relationships were just two unknowingly broken people struggling with their inabilities to express emotions and it always lead towards a path of destruction. Every single time. After multiple failed attempts at holding on, eventually someone was getting their heart broken. I was on both the receiving and giving end of this heartbreak, and instead of taking time to heal the pain I felt inside, I would slap an emotional band-aid on it, ignore it and move on to the next one. I found that every relationship was getting worse and worse and I was literally putting myself through hell bending over backwards for guys who didn’t honestly care. I stayed unhappy just so I could call some disaster of a relationship mine. Can you relate?
I wish I could go back in time and tell that poor girl to save herself from all the unnecessary heartbreak by simply taking a step back. I wish she would have learned that being alone is okay. That taking time to figure out her pain, is okay. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be an utter and complete mess for a while… But it’s not okay to depend and expect a guy to fix that mess. I wish I could tell her that when she was told that she didn’t need a man to be happy, it was the truth. But I know that being in the grasps of those dark emotions and having blinders on to just how much of a mess you are inside, it’s next to impossible to see the light. It’s hard to understand that you deserve better and that there is someone better. That there is a chance for you to change, and that it is okay to walk away from toxic people who bring you nothing but pain. But I also know that when you are so lost and so hurt that you can’t see the relationship for what it truly is, it’s an entirely different mess of its own. That girl never would have listened.
I understand now that I would cling to those fleeting moments of connection because my soul was longing to be whole. I would look to someone else to fix my problems because it was hard for me to face them myself. I let other people treat me like garbage and get away with it because it was easier than being alone. I treated other people just as bad because it was hard to worry about someone else’s feelings when I couldn’t even face my own. It was an ugly place to be in. I no longer blame the guys for all my pain, because I didn’t expect any better from them. I wasn’t innocent in any of the relationships and instead of walking away, I held on to something that was slowly tearing me apart. I was broken, and they were too. It’s a less than ideal situation to base a relationship off of… It hurts when you’re treated as an option, rather than a priority.
But, there is hope! The man God intends for you will not see you as one of many options, he will see you as the only option. True words right there ladies! If he isn’t giving you the time of the day, why are you wasting so much of your precious time and energy forcing him to pay attention to you? Don’t you think you’re worth more than someone who is putting in minimal effort and giving you less than mediocre quality time? Shouldn’t he want to genuinely be there with you? The man that God has chosen for you will not play games, he will not call one day and ignore the next, he will not give you mixed signals, and he will not treat you like you’re just a side piece. The man that God intends for you will not have just a few of the qualities you’re looking for and then a few that if you try really hard you can make fit. He will be the perfect match because he was intended for you and only you. You won’t have to force it and you will know it’s the perfect fit. God wants to be involved. So will you allow Him?
The moment I released finding the perfect man for me into God’s hands was so unimaginably freeing. I stopped worrying about “missing out” on meeting him, or forcing someone who I deep down knew was not the right fit, to be the right fit. I now know that God will take care of finding the perfect man. Let God be your matchmaker. You can try to force any old Joe blow into the mold of Mr. Right, but at the end of the day you’re only going to cause yourself more heartbreak when it crashes and burns. I know that no relationship is perfect, and every relationship has it’s ups and downs… but forcing something that was never meant to be is only going to add to your burden. If you wait on the one that God created for you, you’re not going to be disappointed.
I don’t know when dating has gotten so messy, but it’s a war zone out there. You constantly are having to live life on the defense because you never know when the guy you’re falling for is going to duck out, even if things seem to be going fantastic. Honestly, it’s exhausting. It’s time consuming and putting your heart on the line is difficult. As women of God we are taught to guard our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and this is even more crucial in the dating world that we know today. You honestly may have to watch out for wolves in sheep’s clothing. Just because he says he is a man of God, doesn’t mean he is the guy for you. Create boundaries, stick to your values. Don’t bend. If God has placed characteristics in your heart that you are looking for in a partner than believe he will provide the man that has those qualities. Don’t bend your desires just so you can find any man to marry. Wait and focus on what God is telling you. If the answer is wait, then as hard as it is… wait. You know He knows what’s best.
I finally learned to take a step back and I allowed Jesus completely into my life- including my love life. I started working on becoming the whole person God intended for me to be before I started searching for another whole person. I’m not a half looking for someone to make me whole, and I don’t depend on anyone else to fix what I can’t. The right person is going to add to who you are, not complete you. The only person who can truly satisfy the parts that are missing in your life is Jesus. If you base your happiness and your striving on material things or people who constantly are coming and going, how can you ever be satisfied? Take your single years to search for God. Take the time to develop the most important relationship you will ever have. It is life and death after all.