I should admit…When I first found out about the emotionally unavailable man, I was so relieved. Everything seemed to make sense finally. Suddenly everything I had spent countless hours obsessing about, crying over, and worrying about, was made clear. The hazards of dating certain guys had been confirmed. Turns out that I wasn’t completely out of my mind crazy! Turns out that “it wasn’t me, it was him.” I had made a revelation that could change my life for the better! All I had to do was learn who the emotionally unavailable men were and steer clear! Easy enough, right? Wrong…the realization’s that came pouring into my mind next weren’t as easy to accept. What I was left with was, that if like attracts like, did this mean I was emotionally unavailable too?
In all honesty, yes… Harsh I know. I had emotionally unavailable tendencies. While I had not completely become an emotionally void robot (yet), I was on my way. I definitely didn’t love myself enough to see what I deserved in a relationship and what I should walk away from. I had become a walking contradiction. I could point out flaws in anyone else’s boyfriend drama and encouraged my friends to get out of toxic relationships. But what I couldn’t ever do was get out of immoral relationships with guys I knew were bad and toxic for me. Turns out the most toxic relationship I was trapped in was with the one I had with myself. I had come down with a serious case of a lack of the three S’s”: self esteem, self love and self respect.
In my past, I had experienced some events that had chipped away at my self worth and instead of allowing myself to look within and allow Jesus to heal, I’d emotionally band aid it with either seeking the distraction of a new guy, a weekend of bingeing on alcohol, or focus on any other way to divert myself from what was actually happening inside of me. I would pretend certain things didn’t bother me, would hide certain emotions, and found it easy and second nature to convince myself any residual pain from my past was not valid to feel. I was faking my way through a majority of my life. I found myself easily playing the victim in many situations that made me uncomfortable, blaming others for my inadequate feelings, and always feeling not good enough. I would act out and seek validation from people who could not give it to me, which would then reinforce the negative feelings of unworthiness I felt towards myself. I was stuck front seat on a drama filled, broken, emotionally unavailable roller coaster and I was soooo ready to get off.
I realized that I somehow along the way had neglected the most important relationship I was in, and that was one with Jesus. If I was completely honest, was I even in one with Him? I thought so at the time, but He was someone I ran to when things really got out of control and not someone I pursued daily. I’d say quick prayer, not give it much thought, and continue down my road of destruction. I was more of a fan of Jesus, than a follower.
I realized that my desire to “fix” someone else, change them for the better, and receive the validation that I was good enough for that person to change, was all because I unknowingly had an urge to “fix” myself. Jesus was knocking at the door of my heart, but I wasn’t willing to let Him in… yet. I was lost in the thrill of the chase, and the attraction I had to these emotionally unavailable men was like chasing a high. I was an addict. An addict to not loving myself, an addict to choosing guys who could not love me in the way I deserved, and an addict to seeking validation from the wrong outside sources. As the relationships would fall apart, it would reinforce the feelings I had that I wasn’t good enough and I would get angry that someone could be so careless with my heart. I took no responsibility for my actions. I was always looking for the validation from others to fix what I could not provide for myself. I had found myself at a point where I was unable to be in any healthy relationships, especially the one with myself and thoroughly neglected the one I claimed I had with Jesus.
The story of the woman being saved has been ingrained into our brains ever since we were young children. We were brought up on the stories that women needed their knight in shining armor. Every fairy tale involved a helpless princess in distress, unable to help herself, and then ta-da! Along would come the prince who would swoop in, save the day and off they would ride into the sunset, happily ever after! Every single little girl would dream about her very own hero who would one day sweep her off her feet. It was what we were taught was true love! It gave us hope and excitement for our future, and showed us that love means we are supposed to be saved. But what if that need to be saved doesn’t come from a man on this earth? What if the only saving that is truly satisfying, is the saving grace and love of Jesus?
I have come to realize was that when you need a man to save you, you really need to reassess where you stand with God.
When you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable man, you are dealing with someone who is unable to give you the love, compassion and equal respect you deserve. These types of guys get emotional hard-ons by messing with girls feelings! True love is never really expressed in these situation-ships. These guys are just good at playing pretend, they are pro’s at living in a fairy tale world!
Why do we think so low of ourselves that these guys are where we are seeking our validation? Why are we seeking validation from anyone but ourselves and our father in Heaven?
It takes serious, open, intense self reflection to realize that you are a mess inside. But the moment you realize you do, is the moment that healing can begin. Ladies you are way to worthy of a person to ever sit around, second guessing if you’re good enough! What people say or how they treat you is a reflection of themselves, not you! If someone told you that the sky was purple would you believe them? No! You would laugh it off, realize they are crazy and disregard whatever else that came out of their mouth. So why doesn’t this apply to when someone tell us something negative about ourselves, or acts out towards us, causing a deflation in our self esteem? You need to get to the point that no matter what people say to you, about you, or around you, doesn’t affect your self worth. You need to get to a point in your life where your identity in Christ is unshakeable.
Don’t worry about getting revenge. What goes around, comes around! Learn to be happy with yourself, and always be kind. After all, happiness is the best revenge. Remember that real healing takes time. Jesus knows what needs to be done if you let Him in. Feel your emotions, work through them, and know that’s it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not know what the next step is, with time and some self discovery it will come. The worst thing you can do for yourself is to not allow yourself to heal. Take some time for yourself, make an investment in you!
In this world of online dating it’s so easy to jump from one relationship to the next without taking the time to just be alone. It seems that another emotional band aid is just a swipe away. Take some time to enter into a relationship with Jesus and see the real healing begin. As you start to love your true Savior, you’ll start to see the people you surround yourself evolve. You won’t put up with anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect. You won’t have time for flaky relationships- be it with friends, or even family members. Match your action to your words and you’ll see your life change.
I did things in my past that I am not proud of. But I’ve learned to accept that they are what has brought me to this point. They have made me grow into the person I am today. My past does not dictate who I am. I am no longer the girl walking around with that chip on her shoulder. I can take the past rejection and pain I have received from both guys and from myself and use it as a learning experienec! I am no where near perfect, there are good days and there are bad days. This will be a life long journey, and I will mess up. Thankfully we have someone in control who loves us despite our mistakes. I’ve come to learn to thank God every day for the trials I’ve been through because that’s what has brought me here. Able to share my story and hopefully inspire someone to change theirs.