Breakups 101: Breaking The Toxic Relationship Cycle

May 11, 2017
Breakups 101: breaking the toxic dating cycle

Breakups suck. Breakups related to any toxic relationships can be even worse.

The feelings of unworthiness, sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes despair are enough to send any woman into a downward spiral into the abyss. Unfortunately breakups are a part of life, and every experience is one that we should grow and reflect on how we can improve ourselves, and essentially learn from our mistakes.  After every breakup there is a lesson to be learned. Every low period in our lives makes us stronger as a human being… After all, highs and lows are brought into our lives for a purpose. The purpose being so we can appreciate the good times, grow stronger and so we can appreciate the next man who is brought into our lives.  It’s a cycle after all, and something everyone experiences at one time or another.  It’s not always a pleasant cycle, but it’s a healthy way to better ourselves… we move on to the next bigger and better one… But what if you are stuck in a never ending cycle of toxic relationships?

What if the guy you are upset about is a real- to put it nicely- douche bag. The kind of guy who you know doesn’t even deserve your tears. What if he played with your emotions, treated you like garbage, and took advantage of you in every way possible.  What if the guy you were dating, the guy you thought was your prince charming, has turned into a real toad and you are left back at square one. You may be left unable to move on and unable to understand why you weren’t good enough…  Things were so great in the beginning! He was everything you wanted in a man… caring, charming, over the top in every way! You two just really clicked, right? The passion was there! You probably even thought potentially he was the one! But like all toxic relationships, things went south, like real south… things started going cold, he probably stopped responding as frequently to any of your texts or calls, right? Sometimes he may have even just disappeared completely with no rhyme or reason why. You’d give it a few days, and just as you were finally starting to accept he was over it, he would  pop right back in to your life! It may have only been a few days, weeks, or even months later but sure enough, back he would come.  It’s like he knew you were moving on and it set off an alarm for him to reach back out and draw you back in. Sound familiar? Ladies… let me introduce you to the emotionally unavailable man.

Emotionally unavailable men are essentially emotionally constipated boys who lack the ability to feel any true emotional intimacy. They are macho, egotistical guys who make you feel like you got lucky because he chose you.  They are charismatic, sociable, fun loving and addictive. They are the life of the party! He is always surrounded by people who seem to worship the ground he walks on. He usually has multiple girls on the go at one time. He is definitely unable to hold down any type of long term commitment other than several small toxic relationships. True feelings of others are not something they are aware of.  They have one priority, and that priority is numero uno. Likely, even their feelings for themselves are inadequate.

These are not self-confident, happy men, ladies! Its easy to put on a facade.  You can paint over a rust spot on a car, but it doesn’t mean that the car isn’t damaged underneath that shiny new exterior. These guys use and emotionally abuse women in order to feel adequate and pump up their egos. They take advantage of women who will give them the control and power that they crave to feel better about themselves. These so called men lack empathy. The world goes around them and they think the universe owes them something. They are deep down broken, unhappy, low self-esteem man children. Happy people don’t take advantage of other people! It’s a fact. So why do these type of guys hold a place in our hearts? When its written down on paper these guys are the classic playboys, and it’s easy to see that they are not worth taking up any of your time. There are red flags everywhere. So why do we waste our time crying over them?

The answer is easy to detect, but hard to accept. Like attracts like. No self respecting, confident, and happy woman would ever waste her time with a guy who plays with her emotions. She would show him to the door. Your brokenness, attracts his brokenness.

The women that are attracted to these guys are women that deep down, don’t truly love themselves. How do I know? Because I was one of them.  I was trapped in the endless cycle of dating these types of toxic  relationship jerks. The one’s who broke my heart over and over. My dating life was like a bad episode of Dr. Phil. I was always complaining to everyone and anyone about the losers I dated.  I always blamed the guys for my problems and instead of looking at myself and trying to work on healing myself, I worked on trying to fix these essentially “broken” guys. Once I gave up on one, I would move on to the next.

The excitement you feel with an emotionally unavailable man is addictive, when you yourself are so lost and broken that you are searching for any type of feel-good feeling. They make you feel on top of the world when you are good! But they also make you feel your lowest of the low at the worst. These unhealthy cycles are what some would assume is “passion.” After all movies and social media tell us true love is wild, passionate, and intense!  But in reality, toxic relationships are an endless, exhausting, and heartbreaking cycle and let me tell you… the girl never ends up winning. You can’t win with an emotionally unavailable man because his lack of empathy doesn’t allow him to see how awful he is really treating you.

Do I think that any my exes set out to intentionally hurt me? No. But I do think that they did go out of their way to only think about themselves and exploit the feelings that I had for them.

Eventually I learned that all I was doing was wasting my time on a shell of guy, who even though he claimed had feelings for me, lacked the empathy to truly care about how he treated me. Apologies are few and far in between with these guys, and even if they say the words, “I am sorry” likely they were not sincere. Actions speak louder than words– it’s a hard lesson that I had to learn.

When someone shows you their character, believe them.  After multiple relationships going sour, hours of endless social media stalking, and torturing myself by wondering where I went wrong, I made a revelation… I never told these guys how to treat me, after all you shouldn’t have too.  But  boy did I sure show them how. By not loving myself and treating myself with any type of respect, I opened the door to allow them to do the same.  Every time one of these guys ignored my texts, went missing for a few days, or treated me with disrespect was an opportunity to show them to the door… but instead I let them walk right back in because I didn’t care enough about myself to say no.

By starting this blog I want to empower women to realize they deserve better. To realize that you don’t ask someone to treat you poor, but you do show them. You cannot control the actions or feelings of anyone else but you certainly can control how you feel about yourself. I want to share my experiences with anyone going through the cycle of  toxic relationships that I went through and help women realize that you can’t worry about someone who doesn’t worry about you.  You can break the cycle of toxic relationships! You only have one life and I want to help you make it the best one you possibly can!

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