Emotional Healing

When It’s Really Not Him, It’s You: Seeking Validation

May 11, 2017
When It's Really Not Him, It's You

***I want to be clear… I’m not talking about breakups that end as healthy as a breakup can end in these blog posts. I am talking about the kind of breakups that I constantly found myself in time, after time. Breakups that were made by two toxic people who couldn’t handle a healthy relationship if it hit them in the face.***

Like so many women these days why  do we sometimes look to men to validate ourselves?  Why do we look to others to make us happy?

We tell ourselves all the “If I just find the right man-we will be happy, and he will fix me, and I will fix him, and we will complete each other, and we will ride off in the sunset!” Ladies, that’s just simply not true.

We think that by winning over the emotionally unavailable man, or the man who is wildly successful, or landing the man that could be torn out of the pages of GQ magazine, that we will fuel our fire of being worth something in this world.  Validation is a driving force in life. But seeking validation in ourselves by the type of man that we have next to us, will leave us at the end of the day with nothing but emptiness and heart break- especially if this “man” is emotionally handicapped.  If this man turns around and leaves what are we left with? Nada. Our force of validation is gone. So now what? Are you destined to be unhappy until the next guy comes along? 

So what do we do? Dip into a pint of icecream all while endlessly crying to friends about how you thought he was the one, and if only you two could have worked out? Uh ,duh! You are only human. You’re going through a breakup, treat yo self! … but ladies that’s only a temporary fix. I want to help you come up with a permanent fix and break the endless cycle of toxic relationships once and for all. After all, when you were with him how long did that good feeling last? A week? A month? How long until you caught him snapchatting other girls? Or sending a sneaky text behind your back? How about when he started going back to his tried and true ways of walking all over you, and ultimately treating you like garbage under his shoe?

So why do we have the desire to “save” the emotionally unavailable man? I found myself hit in the face with this question multiple times over my dating life. Usually I would answer with “it’s the thrill of the chase!” or “I like to win.”  The passion at the beginning of the so called relationship, and the intense feelings an emotional unavailable man can instill in you are all-consuming! But ladies, an emotionally constipated man is only able to create this passion for so long because he is incapable of caring for anybody on that level, but himself… eventually his ego gets pumped up by your willingness to always be there and continuously put him up on the pedestal he thinks he deserves, and suddenly his need for you is gone.

Voila! He pulls a disappearing act and all you are left with are a few (or a few more than we may ever care to admit to) unanswered texts or calls, and all you keep wondering is “what just happened here?!” You were flying sky-high as long as things were great between you two, or as long as you could convince yourself things were great. It’s an adrenaline rush to the max! Hell, skydiving is an adrenaline rush too, right? But what happens when you have an unstable, broken parachute that you’re trusting with your well-being? Eventually the parachute is going to break away, and you’re going to come crashing to the ground at full speed and guess what? Somebody is getting hurt, and let me tell you, that somebody is you.  Why did we put all our investment into repairing this broken parachute, just to be shown a new hole after each repair, when a reliable, sturdy parachute could be just a few feet away?  Seems silly doesn’t it?

So why do you stay? Simple: the need for validation from this man. He will open up to you about his past and his demons, and probably has even told you that he has never told anyone any of this before. He hits you in every girls emotional bulls-eye: he claims he’s different with you than any other girl before you.  Bingo! You think he can and will change for you, and become miraculously this overnight knight in shining armor who will apologize for everything hes ever done to you, and will promise to never do it ever again! Wrong! How do I know? I’ve dated more guys than I would like to admit who I fell into this cycle with.

The true answer is that in all reality, as long as you were getting the validation that you could possibly be the one to help him change, you stayed. The thought of this “amazing man” he potentially could be, had you convinced he could change. These thoughts were all a part of his plan that keeps you tied to his delirium and so, you stayed.

Sound familiar? I have been here so many freaking times. I was left wondering why I wasn’t good enough, why I couldn’t change him and left with just a horrible feeling of why did this happen again?!   What was I doing so wrong? I mean all I wanted to do was help somebody and feel needed? Is that so bad to feel?   Newsflash: Uhh, yea it is!!  Unless you you’re a mom, and have sons who depend on you, why should you ever fall into the role of being needed by a guy? Why should you play mommy??  It took me some time to realize that being wanted and needed in a relationship are two very different things. So what finally gave? I took a good long hard look at myself… and man it was not pretty.

What it all came down to was me. You see, I figured out after several awful, emotionally draining years that I had no core values. Or at least any that I lived by when it came to men.  Honesty? Yea that’s important to me, I would tell myself. Yet I constantly was choosing men that would lie to me. Integrity and Dependable? Heck yes! But yet, all I chose were egotistical, cheating, unreliable men,who got a rise out of playing with my emotions.

The moment I realized that my so-called values that I claimed I lived by, and claimed were a set of rules I truly held myself accountable to, was actually a bunch of lies, was the moment I realized where my problems actually lied, and that was with myself. You see like attracts like. If you don’t hold yourself to a set of standards, how can you complain when nobody else does either? If you lie to yourself, play games with yourself and, ultimately cheat yourself, then how do you ever expect anyone else to treat you any different?  What I realized in that moment was that I was an insecure, validating seeking woman, who would bend my core values and boundaries to feel needed.

Ladies, who prays on that type of woman? A man who himself has no true core values. I’m not talking about the superficial values like wealth, charm, success, and good looks. I’m talking about good character values like empathy, sincerity, honesty and loyalty. A man who has no emotional capacity to see that his actions are hurting someone else, has no true core values. So usually my posts are all about “it’s not you, its him.” Well this one is a little different…You see, if you had strong core values and boundaries, and thought as highly of yourself as you do your friends and family you would be able to see through someone else’s lies.  The moment he went MIA, or flat out lied to your face, would be the first time and last time he ever did that. “See ya later!” would come out of your mouth faster than you could run out that door.

But if you deep down think that this emotionally stumped man is the best you can get and choose to accept his negligent behavior, then that is the moment you give up the values you may claim you live by. And in turn, give up on yourself. Actions speak louder than words ladies!  So be selfish! Be your own best friend! The moment you sit down and take a hard look at yourself is the moment you will see if you truly hold your values to your core. It will be the moment you will see how you truly view yourself.  The moment you see how you truly view yourself, will be enlightening, scary, and the first step in the right direction in changing this toxic cycle. The only way you can truly be happy with someone else, is when you become happy with yourself.

 

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