It was a question I had asked myself a thousand times. Why do I miss him? What do you do when you just can’t get over your ex? No matter how much you’ve tried, the guy who destroyed your entire being still has a hold of your heart. What do you do when your knight in shining armor has turned out to be a scarecrow covered in tin-foil? It’s hard to accept the fact that the guy who came in, swept you off your feet, and promised you everything you wanted to hear, was all just smoke and mirrors. It’s hard to accept that all the plans he made with you, and all the numerous promises that he made to you, were empty. It seems he never cared, so why do you? I’d been there countless times. After endless hours of obsessing to my friends, going over every little detail, and social media stalking him better than Sherlock Holmes could have, I realized I had accomplished nothing more than knowing that I missed him and I didn’t know how to stop.
This is normal ladies… it happens to the best of us. Breakups are tough. What you thought was passion, and the excitement of a really “amazing” guy, has now turned into another waste of your time. The embarrassment of yet another failed relationship drives you deeper into your sadness. Your heart was shattered apart and you’re left unable to put the pieces back together. Its an emotional jigsaw puzzle and you can’t seem to get the pieces to fit. You’re left a mess, you likely have no closure, and keep asking anyone who will listen what you did wrong? Or better yet, does he miss me? Does he miss me enough to change?
The answer: he may miss you, but if he really truly cared for you, there would not of been the hot and cold drama that made up your relationship. In my experience anyone who can just walk away with no explanation is known as emotionally unavailable. Typically, emotionally available men are also narcissists. They only care about themselves. Their empathy center has essentially shut down. The feelings of others are not a concern to them, they feel no remorse. They are emotionally void robots, who are deep down at their core unhappy, broken human beings (aren’t we all on some level?) Something in their past has broken them to the point that they are not able to feel compassion, empathy or true love.
So does he miss you? What I learned when obsessing over this question was that I was till seeking validation from him. I needed to know that he missed me, as much as I missed him. If I could get some sort of hint- whether it be from his Instagram, facebook, or from a mutual friend, that he was just as miserable as me then I felt okay with the state of sadness I was in. Seeking validation from any emotionally unavailable man is going to get you no where other than more heart break. These types of guys are incapable of truly missing anyone. They used you for what they needed you for, and that was an ego boost. They exploited your feelings of unconditional love and affection to the extent that they needed in order to feel superior again. As soon as they were back up on the pedestal that they believed they belong on, they kick you to the curb. Adios Amigo! Sound familiar?
Multiple times over failed relationships, I found myself wondering if he ever missed me. I would be obsessing over the fact that I for some reason missed him and couldn’t seem to get over the heartbreak. After questioning myself over and over, I started to realize a few things:
- Why did I really miss him? I realized that I was missing the guy I had portrayed in my mind that he COULD be. Not the guy who he ACTUALLY was. These guys actions and their words never lined up. One minute they could be the funny, caring, make me laugh until my tummy hurt, kind of guy. Then the next minute they were the distant, uncaring, ignorant, barely even care a little about me, guy. I realized in my broken mind that I was missing the guy who I had decided in my mind, he could be if he changed. I chose to ignore the guy who he truly was, the guy who had shown his true colors to me, time and time again.
- Could I really change him? I’ve learned the answer is no. And now I have come to the conclusion that why should I have to? The only way these type of men will ever change, is if they have a radical encounter with Jesus. Every single emotionally unavailable guy I dated showed me their broken souls whenever we were alone. They were the guys who would get drunk and open up to me about how he had been hurt in his past- whether it be by ex girlfriends, a custody battle, or his hidden mommy issues. These guys were broken and I somehow had unknowingly decided that I could play mommy and fix them. The challenge of knowing I could potentially one day fix him, and my need to seek validation from him by “changing” him kept me running back to the same type of guy. I wasn’t ever focusing on MY best interests in these relationships, and my low self esteem kept me from running to the hills.
When getting over the fact that this emotionally void narcissist has removed himself from your life, possibly with no explanation, and you are left putting your heart back together I want you to remember that:
“Let him walk… seriously”
He did you a favor by walking out of your life, trust me. He is not the man you keep thinking he was. Be real with yourself ladies! Make sure you’re not missing the man you put high up on that pedestal. The man who you were convinced he could be. Look at his actions, he has shown you his character. The first time he left you on read, ignored your calls, or ghosted you completely, was the time he showed you his true self. So does he miss you? He will eventually miss the you who made it easy for him to come back to. The you that showed him unconditional love. The you that put his feelings before your own. The you that he knew would be there for the quick ego boost, no matter how he treated you, and the you that put him high on the pedestal where he thought he deserved to be. He will never miss you in the way you truly deserve to be missed.
I learned the hard way that people show you their true colors early on in a relationship. We just choose to believe them or turn a blind eye. So when you are struggling to get over the fact that you miss him, make sure you look at it from the right perspective. Remove him off the pedestal you have put him on and look at who he really was. Make sure you’re not missing the man you hoped he would be. Or the man you were convinced he could be “when he changed for you.” Reality Check: he definitely isn’t that man, and he won’t ever be that man by your accord. You can’t change him. It’s not your job to change him. Give it to God and pray an honest prayer for Jesus’s will in this guys life.
You’re too worthy to wait around for a boy who doesn’t truly care about how he treats you. Real change takes time, takes effort, there has to be the desire for it, and honestly… real change is done by God, not by you. Emotionally unavailable men will never feel the need to change. As long as he is getting validation to feed his god complex he will remain in his stagnant ways. You shouldn’t ever have to fix/play mommy to anyone. He has a mom, and you’re not it. Move on, start to really love yourself, and start to explore what makes you, you.
The moment you start to realize your self worth it’s going to make it so much easier to see that you had blinders on when it came to guys like this. You deserve someone who cares about your feelings just as much as you care about theirs. You definitely do not deserve some broken man who exploits your emotions to attempt to band-aid the brokenness inside of himself. Remember that like attracts like. Emotional unavailable men will always prey on the broken girls who will give them the adoration they think they deserve. Pursue the relationship you have with yourself, pursue the relationship you have with Jesus and work on loving who He has made you to be. Slowly, with patience, you will begin to see the changes in the company you keep!