Have you recently found yourself on the receiving end of yet another breakup? He decided to suddenly exit out of your life a few weeks, months, or even days prior with absolutely no explanation, and now he’s shown back up begging you for a second chance? Ghosting seems to be a part of dating in the 21st century. Figuring out why and if you should get back together with a guy who has stomped all over your heart, is a question me and my girlfriends had spent countless hours debating over. We would all take our turns flip-flopping back and forth, and even starting some arguments about why or why not it’s a good idea to re-enter into the toxic relationship. Some of us seemed to be having these conversations on the regular, with almost every guy we dated. Where was our “good guy?!” Every girl on the outside of the relationship would try and point out all the reason’s why the girl should just move on. But it always seemed that the broken-hearted girl always had a million reasons as to why it was easier to go back to the jerk who shattered her heart into a billion pieces. Sooner or later the girl would go back, tail between her legs, and we were all stuck hearing the same old story, over and overm when nothing ended up changing. He would promise her he would change for real this time, but in all reality, we all knew, as the girls on the outside looking in, that he never would. So why do we go back to guys who have proven time and time again that they don’t deserve our love and attention?
Whenever you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable man, you need to know that the relationship you thought you had, never was. At least not on his end. The feelings he claimed he had for you, the exciting trips he took you on, and the gifts he would give you when he messed up were all ways to keep you wrapped around his little finger. How many times would he last minute cancel the plans you had made days or even weeks prior, emotionally beat you down, or straight out lied to your face? People who truly care about another person, and have real compassion towards someone else, would never think about being such a monster to someone they “loved.” Somewhere along the line this variety of normal has become so mainstream that the toxic ebb and flow of this type of relationship is accepted as passion! Some may even say “we fight hard, but we love harder.” To me, when I hear this now it screams instability and would have me running for the hills… But there was a time, not long ago when I was stuck in this same endless cycle of not letting go of a guy who treated me with little, to no respect.
“Respect is one of the greatest expressions of Love”
I was the queen of excuses when it came to these types of toxic relationships. Every time he let me down, left a message on read, or completely ignored me for a few days I would have some reason to justify his behavior during the breakup. I would spend hours crying to my girl friends, tearing his character apart, and claiming I knew I deserved better. Yet, when he would suddenly show back up, apologize or would fool me into thinking he would change, I would go running back like the sad little broken girl that I was. I would disregard any of the advice my girlfriends had given me, and would say that I knew what I was doing. But did I? At that time I definitely thought I did. I thought that I was in complete control of the situation and would hold on to the hope that he would miraculously turn into my knight in shining armor overnight and sweep me off my feet. I found myself lying to my friends and family to keep them from the “I told you so’s” I knew were coming my way. It turns out this false hope I carried with me did nothing but get me broken heart, after broken heart, and left me feeling worse than I did before. I kept asking myself why I didn’t just let him go after the first breakup and be done with the drama? But the farther we got into the toxic cycle, the harder it was to exit.
The hardest thing you will ever do is let a guy who you had genuine feelings for walk away from you after a breakup. What you need to realize first off is that if he really was the right guy for you, he would treat you with the feelings of empathy, compassion and respect that you deserve. There would be none of these hot and cold breakup situations that have become so common in 21st century dating. Nobody can claim to be in a healthy relationship when it is an emotionally abusive relationship, or a relationship where one persons feel inferior to the other person, or even a relationship that the other partner won’t fully commit to the other. This is NOT healthy and he is definitely NOT the best you are ever going to get. I don’t care if he is the hottest, popular, most ovulation inducing man you have laid your eyes on. You deserve so much more than a guy who doesn’t care enough about you, to really care about you.
When you are deciding if you are going to get back together with a toxic guy you need realize that breakups happen for a reason. You know the reason, but can you accept it? During the post-breakup time with an emotionally available man, there will come a day when there is the potential to get back together. His ego has run dry and he needs a quick pick me up from someone he can count on to give it to him. Ladies, realize that you get to choose your difficulty during this time. Whether you decide to close that door for good, or whether you decide you’re going to go back to him, you are going to face two different levels of heartbreak. But you get to decide the length of pain you want to feel. Do you want short term pain, as you learn to move on and live your life without him? Or do you want the long-term pain of going through the same broken relationship cycle you have been in over and over?
Never go back to a guy because it’s the easier option and you just want your heart to stop being in its broken state. It doesn’t matter if he financially makes things easier, he swears he will change, or because it’s easier to co-parent when you are together. Real change and healing takes time. It has to be genuinely needed and wanted by them. You can’t force him to change- that type of change will never permanently stick. If you go back to the relationship you need to take the relationship as it is. You have to accept the emotionally unavailable boy for who he 100% is. Don’t go back hoping he will change, or that things will get better. Accept him for the narcissist that he really is, and you’ll have to learn to live with the never-ending hot and cold type of relationship you’ve already experienced because that is going to be the only type of relationship he will be capable of giving you. Never enter into a relationship with the goal of being his saving grace, that’s not you job. It’s God’s.
You can’t force him to change for the better. Accept the character that he has already shown to you, take him off the pedestal you have put him on and really open your eyes to who he has shown himself to be. Accept that the relationship will always be 100% on his terms. He will be the one who will always call the shots, decide if he wants to grace you with his presence, or decide if you’re worth his time that week. Your feelings are not a concern to him. He will continue to come in and out as he pleases.
Or, choose option B and just let. him. go. He’s already taken step 1 for you by causing the breakup, so now you can take step 2 and make sure it stays that way! Take the steps to moving on! You’ve made it this far though the breakup and you’re still here! So why torment yourself with more heartbreak by regressing back to him? You never will win the race if you keep running backwards instead of forwards in the right direction! Maybe it feels like you’re running through sand, but at least you’ll be making progress! Learn that you CAN live without him. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but ladies you are strong enough to let him go for good. Short term pain, for long term gain! Respect yourself, put up some boundaries, and take some time to enter into a relationship with the one that should matter the most- the one you have with Jesus. He is the only one who can transform your heart, renew your mind, and show you just how loved you really are. When you find out how loved you are, your tolerance for less than that dwindles.
Either way you choose, initially you are going to experience a great deal of uneasiness. Breakups suck after all. The real question is do you want long-term distress by going back to him, or short term discomfort by adapting to living your life without him in it? Neither option is easy, but one has a light at the end of the tunnel.