Relationships

He Claims He Has Changed… Now What?

July 19, 2017
He Claims He Has Changed… Now What?

I think whenever you break up with someone you genuinely care about (unless he’s a truly awful human being), you always deep down, dream of how things would have been if things could have worked out. It’s easy to dream about how it always seems to happen in the movies. It starts with him coming back to you claiming he has changed, and off you two ride into the sunset, happier than ever.

Be honest with yourself, how many times during a breakup does the thought ever cross your mind about getting back together with an ex? It’s hard to not let your mind wander back into fairy-tale land and think about all the “what could have been’s” if he would have just became the man you put on that pedestal and you imagined he could have become. Separating fact from fiction can become a chore during this time. It’s always easier to focus on the good rather than the bad and soon you can have yourself convinced that the relationship wasn’t as bad as you originally thought and all the reasons your broke up are easy to fix.

Cue the domino effect of letting him back in, especially if he shows back up claiming he has changed. While I have seen ex’s reuniting actually work out a time or two, more than likely the reasons you broke up are still going to be legitimate reasons.  So what do you do if your ex comes back into your life and claims he is ready for another shot? He tells you all the things you want to hear, says he will prove to you he has changed, and for an instant there is a glimmer of hope?

 

“If they miss you, they’ll call. If they want you, they’ll say it. If they care, they’ll show it… and if not, they aren’t worth your time.”

-unknown

 

I am guilty of giving every single one of my exes one too many chances for the opportunity to hurt me repeatedly. Too many to even count in some instances. I always try and see the best in people, give them the benefit of the doubt and allow them to show me who they have really become… which to this date has still not ever worked out FYI. I used to think everyone is capable of changing who they are and everyone has the ability to become someone better than they were yesterday. I used to like to call it optimism, but now I see it for what it is… my weakness. Optimism is my weakness. Not everyone wants to change, and honestly, not everyone should have to.

Like I have said in previous posts, I have a huge weakness for people who I think can change for the better. People who I have dictated need to change. I see their brokenness and instantly a part of me thinks that I can save them- cue my god complex.

So when they come back and claim they have made all the changes I hoped for, I tend to believe them, if only for an instant. This has become a huge obstacle in my life, and has ended up causing me a great deal of heartbreak. All that has ever come from letting someone back into my life that has hurt me in the past, is more opportunity for them to hurt me time and time again. So how do you ever really know if someone has truly changed and it’s a good idea to get back together? How do you know if you should ever believe them? Easy. Actions always speak louder than words. Let me explain….

I have one ex who it seems like we can never quit each other. Just as I would start to move on, he would swoop back in. We even recently joked my blog could be called “the life of me and him.”  My weakness about giving second, and third chances to ex’s was brought to light when I let him back in for just a moment. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and for a hot minute I believed him. I guess deep down it’s what I had been hoping for deep in my heart, even though I had decided in my brain that I was going to let him go. Well just like I suspected, within just a few days it became reality that things were just as they were in the past. While I have seen some big changes in him to better his overall life, when it comes to him and me it  quickly became clear it was still going to be the same toxic relationship cycle we had become so familiar with in the past.  But by identifying my weakness, I was able to see the situation for what it was. I have come to learn that my heart has become a pro at clouding my judgement, and sometimes I have to take a moment to let my brain take over even when my heart is trying to tell me a different story.

If anything, I have come to accept that my heart has a way of finding its way into situations that can potentially lead me back into trouble. It has taken a while, but I have learned to allowed Jesus to slowly guard my heart.

I had the feeling instantaneously that things were going to head back to how they were… call it gut instinct. I decided to lay it all out on the line about what I wanted for things to move forward. If this was going to work, it was going to be on my terms this time. I knew my heart couldn’t be in control, and I had to let my instincts lead. I was over playing games, and at this point in my life I knew what I wanted if things were ever going to work out. It’s okay to test the waters before you ever make the decision to go back to an ex, in fact if going back to an ex is something you’re considering you should make it a priority. If this is your second, or even third time giving it a shot, you need to be honest with yourself and with him about what you want out of the relationship. Long gone are the days where games need to be played. What has that gotten you in the past? The track record shows nothing but heartbreak.

You are allowed to communicate with him right off the start with what you expect from the relationship and what you want from him without the worry of coming off as needy. If he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings then why waste your time and even allow yourself to get your heart broken again? Is it worth it? Like I said actions always speak louder than words. If he wants to commit, he will. If he wants to be present, he will. There won’t ever be the hot and cold relationship you have experienced in the past. These changes should start immediately, not when he thinks they should. It’s easy to tell someone something they want to hear, but actually committing to those words is the part that needs to be focused on. He can tell you he has changed until he’s blue in the face, but if his actions don’t line up then you’re only cheating yourself by allowing someone back in that hasn’t proven he deserves to be there.

By never communicating with my ex’s in the past and allowing them to always have the power in the relationship by waiting for them to show me the changes, I ended up wasting a lot of time dealing with emotions that I should have never exposed myself to in the first place. Getting back into a relationship with an ex who has hurt you in the past is probably almost never a good idea. I relate it to getting mad you get burnt when you touch a hot stove. You know the stove is hot, yet you touch it again thinking maybe this time it won’t hurt. But for some of us out there we have to learn the lessons the hard way.

I am never going to be the girl who can completely shut out someone I have cared about in the past. I have come to accept that I will always have a place in my heart for these people, even if I know they are not good for me. But by learning to accept my weaknesses, set boundaries that I am not willing to bend, and by being completely honest with myself, I have kept myself from getting back into situation’s where I would have ended up with my heart broken again.

Sometimes what our heart wants, is not always in the best interest for ourselves. People can change who they are in some aspects of their lives, but deep down we are who we are. While we can change certain choices we make in life, how we interact with people and how our heart reacts to certain situations are usually with us from birth. All I want for any of my ex’s is for them to be happy and live the best lives they can. Sometimes the hardest part of a breakup is the realization and acceptance that their happiness is not ever going to have you included in it. But by continuously exposing yourself to a situation that has gotten you nothing but heartbreak, you are only ever robbing yourself of the happiness you deserve as well.

Proverbs 4:23

sarah sig

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