Relationships

Commitment Issues? Or Is He Just Not That In To You?

July 3, 2017

I’ve come to discover there are some major tell-tale signs a guy has commitment issues. So why do we sometimes turn a blind eye and claim we never saw them? Are we that naïve? Or do we truly just have a hard time seeing certain guys for what they are: commitment-phobes.

I think almost every girl dreams of the day she will find “the one.” When your days of dating are finally over, and you’re able to commit to someone who you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. Off you’ll ride, into the sunset, happily ever after! In a perfect world everyone you meet is capable of entering into a long-term healthy relationship. But in reality, this is far, far, far, from the truth. Not everyone you meet is going to be on the same life path as you, or be the right fit, or even have the same things in common with you. Everyone makes different life choices and that is fine! As long as you’re both completely honest with your intentions in the relationship from the start, then both parties can enter into it with realistic expectations. Not everyone is looking for a long-term relationship, or any relationship at all. As long as both people involved know this is the case, then proper boundaries are set and the relationship runs its course.

But if two people enter into a relationship with completely different expectations, then things are destined to crash and burn.  If a guy claims he wants to be with you, but turns around and tells his family and friends the opposite, then it’s clear a full-on commitment is likely not in your cards. I don’t think it matters if he actually has commitment issues, or if its just that fact that he isn’t that in to you, if he isn’t going to treat you how you deserve to be treated then it’s time to say goodbye!

 

“The wrong person makes you beg for attention, affection, love, and commitment. The right person gives you these things because they love you.”

-Sonja Parker

Dating in the 21st century can be one of the most frustrating experiences in a single girl’s life. Commitment issues are all around us. Not only in dating, but with friendships and familial relationships as well. In a world full of online dating apps, social media, and instant web connections, it’s easy to be left wondering if you are just someone’s back-up plan. Is he really interested? Or are you just a distraction for right now? Is he going to start out acting normal and then turn around and ghost you? Or does he just straight up have commitment issues? In a world full of tinder, bumble, or whichever new dating app is trending at the moment, you’re constantly left wondering if the feelings you’re experiencing are reciprocated on his end.  At the risk of seeming clingy and needy, it’s the norm to just carry on in a relationship with little to no communication about the intentions for the future. Girls are so worried about being labelled as being crazy and needy that they carry on in a situation-ship going no where, with the hope that it will turn into something meaningful. Even if all the red flags are flying, we sometimes waste time and energy on a lost cause.

There are so many options at the swipe of a screen, and at the tips of your fingers, that it’s hard to decipher who really wants a meaningful relationship or who is just looking for the next best thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to be all cynical here and say that relationships can’t develop online, because it does happen!  I know several people who have met, dated, and married someone they met from some of these apps… But truth is, most of the men you will find on these apps are emotionally unavailable narcissists who are just looking for an emotional band-aid to fill the void they are experiencing at this time of their lives.

I realize not everyone is going to be the right fit for each other, but someone with any empathy will end the relationship with respect towards the other, knowing that it’s not going to work long-term. Someone who is emotionally void will play mind games with the other because of their inability to decide if they’re going to fully commit to you or wait for the next best thing to come along.

So here are 5 tips to decipher if he’s serious and you should stay, or if he has commitment issues and you should run!

          1.  He doesn’t really spend time with you

  • Sure, he may be spending time with you. But when was the last time he really spent time alone with you. When was the last time he put his phone down, or shut down his computer and actually paid attention to you?  I’ve dated guys who you couldn’t pry their phones from their cold-dead hands if you wanted to. They would try to hold a conversation, but would be more preoccupied with what was happening in cyber reality. Date nights were constantly interrupted by texts, snapchats and phone calls. I quickly realized that spending quality time with me was not at the top of their priority list. This may sound needy, and this may sound clingy, but I know that all I wanted was some time alone with the person that I genuinely cared a great deal about. You should never have to beg somebody to spend quality time with you. If you’re a priority in someone’s life, then you should never have to feel like option B.

    2.   He only texts you late night

  • If you’re constantly woken up at 2am for the late night “come over” texts, but never hear from him during the work week, then you’re definitely not a main priority in his life. If getting him to engage in any type of conversation, or asking to hang out one on one is like pulling then teeth, then it’s time to throw in the towel. People make time for people they want to make time for. Guys will respond to texts if they want to talk to you, and will make time to hang out with you if they really want you around. It shouldn’t be a battle to hang out during normal hours of the day if the guy is seriously interested. Never believe when someone says they are too busy all the time, if they wanted to be around you, they would.

    3.   He won’t delete his dating apps

  • If he claims he’s committed to you, but he won’t delete the apps that brought you two together, then that’s a major red flag, ladies! This not only screams that he has commitment issues, but it’s likely that you’re not the only girl he is talking too. If he is interested in pursuing something more with you than just a little fling, keeping his options open won’t ever be a problem. Someone who is genuinely interested in you, won’t have multiple girls on the go. If you’re having to continuously ask him to delete the apps, then it’s definitely time to say goodbye!

         4.  Your feelings are not a concern to him

  • If no matter what the situation is, he doesn’t really and truly take your feelings into consideration, then it’s time to take the emotional trash out. If a guy is going to take advantage of the love and compassion you so freely give, by treating you with disrespect and plain ignorance, then it’s time to reassess who this guy really is. If he leaves you on read, doesn’t answer your calls, or disappears for days at a time with no explanation, I’d say its time to a cold hard look at yourself and discover why you care so much for a narcissist who has shown you just how empathetically void he is.   Actions always speak louder than words.

    5.  You hang out on his terms

  • Does he ever make plans with you and your friends? Or do you just hang out when he dictates it’s convenient for him? Have you met his friends and family, but he has barely met anyone in your life? If someone is truly interested in pursuing an intimate relationship with you, then they will want to know the whole you. Guess what? That whole you will include your friends, and it will include your family. He will be interested in doing things you want to do, and will want to meet the people who make up such a huge part of your life. If he only asks you to hang out when he needs something, or has no other options for the night, then it’s clear that he isn’t looking for anything serious with you…

Don’t tune out what you don’t want to hear. Often, we see what we want to see and we hear what we want to hear. If his actions scream “I’m not going to commit” even when he claims he has feelings, run! People show you their true character early on in a relationship. Not every guy you meet is simply going to say: “I’m not looking for commitment.” You  may have to pay close attention to your relationship garden and pick out the emotional-sucking weeds!  An emotionally unavailable man likely thinks he is ready for a relationship because he’s looking for validation and his happiness in somebody else. He will go through the motions to get his ego fix, and then instead of ending the relationship with any thought towards your feelings, he will slam that break-up door shut!  He will quit the relationship cold turkey. Ladies, when he does this, as hard as it is, remain strong when he comes back around. Keep that door shut tight! I don’t care how much he claims he’s changed, or if he comes back guns blazing declaring his love for you- real change takes time. He closed that door, you make sure you lock it, commitment issues or not!

Anyone who doesn’t take the time to be respectful of your feelings at the beginning, during, or at the end of the relationship doesn’t deserve a second chance. Feelings get hurt in any relationship and miscommunication happens, but anyone who truly cares about somebody else will take the time to explain themselves. They will make sure to do so in a respectful and clear manner. Ghosting is not a respectful way to break things off, and wondering if you’re broken up for good this time is not only emotionally draining, but completely unfair to you! Women get so lost and trapped in games of trying to win him or change him, that precious time is wasted. The time you’re wasting on a man with some type of commitment issues could be spent focusing on something that brings you true happiness. You’re only going to end up getting your heart broken by pursuing someone who isn’t going to commit. Getting mad at someone for not committing to you when they’ve shown you their commitment issues, is like getting mad you get burnt when you touch a hot stove. Walk away! Realize that what you both want are two different things and leave it at that. Pursuing someone who isn’t fully invested in an emotional relationship with you is only self sabotaging yourself from experiencing true happiness with someone else.  No matter how great of a woman are, you will never be good enough to a man who isn’t “ready.”  You deserve someone who will guard your heart, not someone who plays with it.

Sarah Sig

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